I’m Glad They Are Getting Better But WTH(heck)
In two articles recently posted we spoke about recovery and what to expect in early recovery. One was speaking to the individual with the disease substance use disorder (SUD) considering recovery or in early recovery. The other was to the codependent looking to understand early recovery for the person with SUD. One comment we have received is that the codependent is oftentimes completely unprepared and in the dark about what is going on for the person experiencing early recovery (and by extension our article for them was not as helpful as we hoped). Having tolerated much during active addiction, hanging in there, in many cases contributing to the watershed moments, the codependent now feels shut out, unappreciated, and not knowing what to do next. Worse, they may be subject to blame or even suggest that they, once again, provide accommodation this time for this period of early recovery. It all seems overwhelming. Fair enough. We should try again to help here.
Perhaps we can describe what is happening for your loved one and that will help you see what you are experiencing. Of course, if you have seen one case of recovery you have seen one case of recovery. Take care not to generalize too far. But there are some common experiences. These thoughts are not offered as excuse for the newly recovering or guidance for your behavior, just information that might help you understand what is going on. Your loved one’s recovery is their responsibility and that must stay squarely with them. On the other hand, now that things are on a better track we will want to be a help and certainly not a hindrance. More about that delicate balance later.
First, while we see this as a return to normal living, they probably haven’t experienced normal living in a long time. They don’t know what to do. “Oh, come on”, you say, “it’s just normal life.” Yes, you are right and there are certain things they will see as obvious such as going to work on time, coming straight home, kissing the spouse and children hello, sitting for dinner, attending the PTA or services, scheduling family activities and so on. But once they get there the behaviors are unfamiliar or even all new. How do I greet the teacher, what is the right answer to Johnnie’s unruly behavior, what do you expect them to do after dinner, what is a normal bed time, how do I act around my family or your family? This is all relatively new to them or at best unpracticed. They will get there, but they will be looking for clues much longer than you think they should.
This is because their normal development as a partner, as a person has been interrupted. Depending on when they put the plug in the jug or threw away the hash pipe they will have missed out on a lot or a really large amount of normal human development. Think of Tom Hanks in “Big”. That was much more dramatic of course but it is the small items that are probably throwing you off.
Very serious is their need to process shame. If we have hung in there long enough then we likely understand that they have a disease, and their poor behavior was not a character defect but the symptom of that disease. Now they need to accept that, and it will take time. Hopefully they are participating in counseling and/or a twelve step community and there they will be given the tools to come to grips with things that make them cringe and suffer severe remorse when they recall. This is, perhaps, where they will withdraw from you the most. There are likely things that have occurred of which you are unaware. You may never become aware. That may haunt you. Maybe it is for the best. They are being advised to make amends except when doing so would injure others. Shame may be their hardest burden, and it will take time.
At the same time, they will not fully appreciate that it will take time to recover from a disease in which they were active for years. That shame and their depressed attitude that they acted that way make them want to make everything better and right away. They will over react. Soon they will find that things just don’t work that way.
Similarly, their expectations of your reactions will be askew. Time after time after time in clinical settings we hear about how the partner isn’t recognizing their progress. Our friend was irate that his partner would not trust him with her car when it sat idle during the day even though he had damaged the car more than once. He had been sober a month after all. Time will move differently for both of you and will be frustrating for them and for you.
The story is told that a group of sober folks are served a dish they are told is the hottest food ever cooked. How many take a forkful right away? All of them. That is because every person who finds recovery believes they are unique, no one else shares their experience and no one else’s pattern of recovery will work for them. They will soon find that this is far from true but until they do they will lack anchors, and they will be even more confused than we might expect. This tug of war within themselves will take time to work out. Likely they will become comfortable with the idea of following a clinician’s recommendations, joining a clinical group, or accepting a program of recovery like AA or NA.
Another aspect of their uniqueness will be their sense that they can solve this through strength of will or character. Certainly, there are people who have controlled their drinking and drug behavior through self-imposed discipline or “the pledge”, a commitment to change taken usually with a person of the cloth in the presence of God. This is rare and ill-advised but for a period your loved one may refuse to attend what you see as those things that will help like counseling or twelve step programs. We hope they get through this quickly as the portents are ominous, but you might as well know that it is a possibility.
Your loved one will soon be left without the emotional crutch they once had, they will become more feeling and aware, and they will experience anxieties, depression and negative thoughts with few tools to manage these natural emotions. In most cases this will be temporary. The core thought that will get them through is that it is not those issues that need attention but solid recovery that is the main focus. But, again, that won’t happen overnight, and it will all be new to them. In the meantime, the swings in mood and perspective will occur right there in your living room.
A variant on this phenomenon is switching bad habits. If your addiction is to alcohol or drugs, then there are other things that will be poor but tempting substitutes. Obviously, alcohol for drugs or the reverse. But what of gambling, shopping, eating, or sex? These kinds of substitutions may be apparent or hidden, and it is difficult to know how to react. We will cover this more but be aware of this behavior especially.
When they were using in active addiction the rest of the world kept spinning without them. Soon they will discover that people have changed in concrete ways such as jobs and degrees and promotions and locations and have found new friends. Where does the newly recovering person fit now? It will be daunting to discover that they need to get re-engaged with people who have changed. Even worse, some of those people won’t want to re-engage. This is a natural result of addictive behavior, and they will fit in again in some cases and develop new relationships in others or likely both. Of course, again, they won’t see that early on.
Finally, though not exhaustively, your loved one may very well become so happy with recovery or so dependent on the tools of recovery that it seems they are ignoring you in favor of their newfound freedom in a twelve-step program. It was once very common for early-stage AA members to attend a meeting every day for a very loving time. This is a dual edged sword of course. On the one hand, we want to encourage those behaviors that help our loved ones and us out of the pain of addiction. On the other hand, we do not want to lose them to recovery as we feared we would to addiction. We suspect that this early stage reaction will fade quickly but if not then the change to your and their routine will need attention.
This leads us to a rejoinder to all of this. President George W. Bush, introducing a program for education, referred to the “soft bigotry of low expectations”. This fits here. Substance use disorder breeds selfish behaviors not necessarily selfish people. Their goal and your aspiration is for a mutually supportive and loving relationship. The behaviors described here are very real and we suspect that you have or will see them in action. Giving your loved one the room to get through all this, achieve recovery, return to your side is a natural and important thing to do.
At the same time, it is not our intent to have you suppress your needs, desires, aspirations in their recovery as much as we feared you would in their active addiction. It is a delicate time for you both. It will not improve overnight. But there are millions of examples where it did occur. Please, please find clinical support and/or twelve step support for yourself. Their recovery is their responsibility not yours. Sure, you want to and should help. In the meantime, President Bush was right. And you deserve a healthy relationship.
January 26, 2025
